Rainy Day Ramble

Here is my first post in the blog world since 2012. It's good to be back! I'm starting this blog in hopes that I'll be more intentional about my time spent online. Facebook, Tiktok, and Instagram have been draining so much of my time and energy, and I'd love this blog to be a space where I get to celebrate my successes, connect genuinely with others, and express myself creatively. And as the name suggests, this will be a place where I get to ramble freely - I won't be worried about making my posts sound perfect. As long as they express what I need to get out, then they will have served their purpose. That being said, the vibes are kind of glum today. It's a rainy day today and lots of gray clouds are looming over the city. My fiancee Sarah and I just got home from a failed attempt at searching for classroom supplies/decorations - the Homegoods by us only had Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Fall decor. All very cute stuff, but will all definitely end up in a landfill someday. And this whole year, I've been in a bit of a quarter life crisis, and I've been trying to suppress it, but lately it's been clawing its way to the forefront of my mind. I am 25. I am a music therapist. My fiancee and I are living our lives in a beautiful area. I'm finally where I was working to be for so long. So, now what? Now that I'm here, life feels so monotonous and draining. I have a hard time finding energy and inspiration for the things I used to enjoy doing, like reading, writing poems, and writing songs. After work I hole myself up in my apartment cause my social battery is too low to see other people. It feels like all of my energy goes to work. But it doesn't come back to me the way it's supposed to. Because I work harder, not smarter. I don't plan ahead as much as I'm supposed to. I don't meal prep on the weekends, because I spend my weekends merely recovering from the week. I don't pick out my work outfits or pack my lunches the night before, because I spend my evenings recovering from the day. So every day is a game of catch-up. I'm always one step behind where I need to be. And every time I finally get where I need to be, something happens that throws me off, like I go out of town for a week or I get sick, and then it takes me forever to get back on top of things. Is this what adulthood is like? Will it always be this way? Constantly playing catch up because life is always moving too fast? Searching for a single star of inspiration in a sky drenched with light pollution? Basically, living life in survival mode every day makes it feel like there is no point to anything and it sucks. And so many people need so many things from me all the time. And I am being slowly picked apart. And I try to stay optimistic, and I try to make positive changes, but I also am so used to life being hard that I can't fathom trying to make it easier for myself. I will say, there are some pretty cool things about being 25, or at least, about today. Our orange cat Pesto just tiptoed up to me, beads of water hanging off the side of her face, weighing her whiskers down. She is truly the queen of our apartment. She is curled up between us, purring, because we are her world. And earlier today, I rode my bike up and down the street. I was way more winded from it than I should have been. After about 2 minutes of pedaling, there was a slight incline, and my body did NOT like that - my heart started racing and every pedal felt like a huge effort. It was easier than the last time I rode, though. And I did enjoy feeling the breeze through my hair while I was going downhill, and I felt a lovely autumn chill in the air. Sarah and I had coupons to get free meals from our favorite burger place for dinner, and we watched Criminal Minds while we ate. I love where we live. I am in a suburb near a bustling city but also surrounded by nature. The best of both worlds, truly! Hopefully as I explore more of the area where I live, I'll post some pictures of the cool things I see, and it will help me appreciate and remember the positive moments in my life. Things are hard right now, and I'm learning how much it really depends on me to make it easier. I am so lucky to have such a big support system I can turn to also. It's hard to ask for help... but that's what friends are for, right? Anyway, tomorrow I am hanging out with my friend Lily, and later I'm getting together with my band to rehearse our new songs (which I haven't practiced yet, yikes!). I'd love to meal prep for the work week tomorrow and do some laundry. Will that happen?? I dunno, I guess stay tuned to find out!